Blade: The Series opens with the executive valet from Spago or Planet Hollywood running down the "infinite pipes" set of an old Doctor Who episode as Urkel is chasing him on a rented motorcycle. If you do not believe me, freeze the frame and look at the license plate on the bike - the plate cover says, "Rent the easy way with Avis."
This chase scene goes on so long that we're forced to make up our own story. The only logical reason I can imagine for Blade to be chasing a valet through the maze of infinite pipes would be to make sure he properly tipped said valet before riding off to fight crime or whatever else Blade does in his spare time. After all, anything less is ungentlemanly. Eventually the intrepid Blade does indeed manage to chase down the valet and get him to stop running. However, those Spike TV writers sure are tricky. Instead of Blade delivering the expected tip, they start a staring contest. You can tell Blade from the valet in this scene of close-up eyeballs because Blade wears super cool sunglasses even when he is inside. When the Valet blinks and loses the staring contest Blade gets confused and asks for a little script help from his fellow actor. "Do you know what happens next?" he asks.
This is where everything gets a little fuzzy. I'm sure that the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has some pretty tough rules about membership and memorizing your lines and stuff but this Valet dude takes it way too seriously and instead of being helpful turns into a total cad by trying to beat the crap out of Blade. I know that SAG won't let just anyone in after the Gigli Incident of 2004 but yikes! Blade being super cool and sunglassed up easily dodges the Valet and they start attacking each other all Matrix-like except Spike can't afford the real special effect so the scene looks a little like watching two drunk guys making their own YouTube video with Hasbro lightsabers. In the end, there can only be one and the title of the show is "Blade" not "Spago's Executive Valet" so the Valet gets the axe but not before he exposes a key plot element in the form of the secret phrase "Walter Cronkite sleeps at dawn." Holy DaVinci Code what the heck is that supposed to mean?
Blade also carries around a big sword, which is also called "blade." In writer's school that's called allegory which is supposed to mean deep things but in this context it means frequent attempts at a roundhouse kick because this is Spike TV and not some fancy pants college art festival.
Now you have to stop at this point and give those Spike writers the credit they are so richly due because they managed to save a ton of money by using the "splort" sound effects from the Spiderman pitch, most of the Punisher costume, Doctor Strange's magic motorcycle and Nick Fury's spare parts. That's like getting five Marvel heroes in one show and the real genius is that they are only paying for one. I bet that made the accountant need a 6-pack of Jergen's and a week in the intensive care burn unit after he figured that one out.
While Blade gets some needed rest, we switch an officer of the law picking up a lady of questionable virtue. We know it's questionable because the cop has to ask her several questions about her virtue. He takes her to a high-class meatpacking establishment where she gets nabbed and pulled up into the ceiling by some spider folk like in the Lord of the Rings but without all that webbing and caves and cool stuff like Frodo's sword and Frodo's glowing aftershave bottle. Just for the record, Frodo's sword was named Sting but the real Sting (the wrestler not that overly sensitive socially conscious singer) threatened to sue so they renamed it "sword" in the DVD release. Anyway, the questionable virtue lady screams real good (one assumes she got paid per scream) and we see the cop not paying attention anymore because he has cop stuff to do like counting the cash in a dead hooker's wallet. The downside for the cop is that hookers, like most convenience stores, don't carry more than $20 in the register and can't open the safe. Silly cop, tricks are for kids.
Meanwhile, Blade has traded his rental motorcycle for a huge 1970's model black crapmobile and is driving it real fast down some deserted hunk of deserted road at night. It's the kind of car that would make Batman ride a bicycle but since its loud and has tinted windows it makes up for the fact that its a flaming piece of crap with a busted lifter arm. Come to think of it, the car has sunglasses too. The car must be too cool for the other cars the same way that Blade is too cool for everyone else. That must be some more of that fancy writing school stuff like onomottorrhea. It's been way too long since something exploded. I can only imagine how much better this show would have been if the car talked. Darn you Anthony Daniels and your insufferable obsession with Turtle Wax.
Blade sneaks into some warehouse / rave party headquarters to find George Takei's nephew wandering around. We quickly figure out that he must be Blade's real estate agent and he's highly unamused because he's spent the whole day showing Blade low-budget subterranean lairs to haunt. Blade finally decides to move in before someone else grabs the collection of empty cardboard boxes, barrels of exploding stuff and dozens of mannequins hanging out making the place look all cozy.
While Blade is setting up his groovy bachelor pad, we are finally treated to a shot of the bad guys. You can tell that they are bad guys because they are all dressed in black but are incredibly pasty looking. The bad guys also drive around in a caravan. You can tell the lead bad guy because he always has at least one hot chick hanging around. Viola! The head bad guy shoots some nitwit in the forehead for being a tad too inquisitive. Being a typical bad guy he stops to admire his marksmanship before retreating to his three car motorcade and leaving.
As if this story didn't already have more threads than a new set of bed sheets, someone new wanders on camera. It's some chick that is coming home from some sort of extended absence or a surprise party or something. Through the cunning use of flashback, slow motion and smoke machines we are told that the new character is home from a distant desert battlefield. Her parents are then immediately treated to a visit from the cops asking them to identify a corpse. Corpse identification used to be a favorite parlor game before the invention of Yahtzee but it is a lost art now. Most people don't realize just how popular corpse identification was. During the depression, people would study for years to get a chance to test for the job of janitor with the Corpse Identification Association. They got to be so good at their job; they were able to identify corpses before they were corpses. That's why they eventually went to work for the federal government. Tragically, the name had to change, but the initials live on.
Soon we see the sight of the dipstick that got shot earlier. Holy crap this plot is binding up faster than a pot of chili at a Shriner's convention. An additional heart stopper rewards your viewing patience as the cop from Shelob's Lair is hanging around the morgue. Needless to say, the family wins the game that night as they discover that their son was the proud recipient of .25 ounces of American lead right between the eyes. There goes that Miss Scarlet in the library theory I was working on.
Someone certainly got their money's worth out of their college education as the script writers reach down deep into our heartstrings and pluck them like an inbred hick playing the banjo with his prehensile toes. We also learn that dipstick is not only her relative but her long lost twin brother. To make matters even more intriguing we also see a Sharpie tattoo on his neck. Extra special creepy music queued up to make sure we realize that the tattoo must be an important and vital clue.
All bummed out at not getting that 20 that her brother owed her the chick goes home to think this over.
Meanwhile, Blade must have robbed the Punisher's storage locker since his new basement hideout is now equipped like the Batcave except Bruce Wayne didn't have to shop at Odd Lots. Blade hops in his Blademobile and roars into town with his ex-real estate agent keeping him company through his T-Mobile headset. He quickly crashes a rave and begins working his way through the crowd with some sunglasses from the set of They Live. Not finding anything interesting, he stumbles into an underground tattoo parlor where he begins stabbing the tattoo artist in order to get information.
It would have been so much more effective as an interrogation technique if Blade had bothered to ask the guy a question before he started stabbing him. Now the guy is running around trying to get the tattoo needles out of his backside like Yosemite Sam sitting on a giant cactus. Way to go Blade.
Of course, tattoo guy has friends. Tattoo guys posse comes in and then Blade has to pimp smack them around too. Blade gets so confused he gives up trying to get information and just beats the crap out of everyone and leaves. I guess its good to have a hobby, but Blade needs to study a Sherlock Holmes novel or two and start asking questions as he's beating the daylights out of people. So far the bad guys could be operating in a public park with a billboard advertising the address and Blade hasn't managed to do anything more than hire his old real estate agent to keep gas in the Blademobile and a 6-pack in the mini fridge. Blade appears to have a touch of ADHD.
It's only now dawning on me why the twin sister is so bent out of shape about her brothers' death. Those sneaky Spike writers have snuck another Superhero into the show - the Wonder Twins. No wonder there are so many things going on. Meanwhile, the now powerless Wonder Twin is standing over her brother's grave looking all sad. She still wants her 20 bucks. She still isn't going to get it. She wanders around town looking all sad to eat up some film time and then gets the bright idea to go to his apartment to nab some stuff to sell on EBay. She may get her 20 bucks back yet! While wandering around the apartment she hears a noise. It's Blade!!
Somehow, Blade has found the time to investigate this mystery murder of her brother. The lady chases Blade but he escapes by using his Bladearang and Bladerope. Bummed she tries the cops only to find out that her brother was a drug dealer. She doesn't believe that her brother was a drug dealer because if he was a big time dealer he wouldn't have needed to borrow 20 bucks off her. Plus, he was a Wonder Twin which means if he was dealing; Superman would zoom in and pimp smack him halfway to Utah. She steals the cops file and sets off the fire alarm for good measure.
Back in the Bladecave we see that Blade is an epileptic or something since he injects himself with some blue liquid called "Blade Juice" or something. It looks like Gatorade in a syringe form. His real estate agent comes in with a bag from Arby's and sort of makes fun of Blade's "condition." Now given that Blade just beat the daylights out of a set of tattoo artists for no good reason, I wouldn't be standing there with a mouth full of curly fries and a big glob of cheddar on my nappy t-shirt taunting the man while he's having a seizure. That's like coating your scalp with catsup and sticking it in a lion's mouth. It just isn't brilliant - just ask Siegfried and Roy.
Plus we can tell that real estate agent isn't cool because he wears his stocking cap indoors. First, it's the middle of summer and the only person that would need a stocking cap would be Mr. Freeze. Second, everyone knows that only sunglasses are cool indoors because if stocking caps were cool people like Samuel L. Jackson and Blade would be wearing them. I checked the Internet and I assure you that they are not wearing stocking caps indoors. In fact, neither of them have any hair at all.
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